Craggy Island officials will send a letter to Steve Martin demanding an apology over the alleged American remake of Father Ted which is said to be in motion.

They will ask the man responsible for pissing on the grave of Peter Sellers to remove the script from his fat talentless sweaty palm of injustice, and to provide backing to anti American remakes of British comedy campaigns throughout the country.

Apparently, Steve Martin had such respect for Dermot Morgan that he put off the decision to accept the role until he felt that, similarly to his adaptation of the Sellers role, he had sufficiently bastardised the character into a shallow national stereotype, and had cleverly broken down the dry and witty humour into easily digestible slapstick junk.

A Craggy Island spokesman said that comittee leaders would meet on Monday to draft a letter to discuss what other action to take.

He said the letter would make four demands:

• An apology for the disrespectful and defamation of character that occured during the filming of The Pink Panther (2006)
• Withdrawal of himself from television and film because, frankly, he was never really very good in the first place, except for Dirty Rotten Scoundrels (1988)
• Steve Martin to make a substantial donation of Martin’s profits from Cheaper by the Dozen, Cheaper by the Dozen 2, and all the other shit he’s been making recently to Ireland’s T.V. comedy department to target more effectively people who are actually funny.
• Martin to support other groups in Ireland who are fighting against making a fucking sequel to The Pink Panther in 2008 for Christ’s sake.

Tony Blair said he would contact Bush on Tuesday “to shove his special relationship up his fecking arse” if such violent acts were to continue.

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