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Chavs will steal your expensive new car next week! You will realise that you would not have needed to get the bus to work if you’d had the good sense to get that GPS tracking system fitted!

Your sweet old grandmother will be mugged by a hooded youth after she leaves the post-office tomorrow. You will write a letter to the Sun expressing your anger and demand more police officers on the beat in your area.

Jupiter and Saturn are in conjunction on Tuesday, and as such everyone you’ve ever met will be blown up by some evil foreigner. You will realise that giving the police additional powers to hold terror suspects indefinitely without charge might have stopped this happening.

Your house will be broken into by an Afghan taxi-driver this weekend. Maybe it is time you considered hiding in your airing cupboard until all this has blown over?

The moon is in alignment with Mars this week, suggesting that you will be arrested for a murder you didn’t commit, and will bitterly lament in your cell that there was no centralised DNA database with which you could prove your innocence.

Your identity will be stolen by a 14 year old crack-whore this weekend. After losing your house and all your belongings to the bailiffs, you realise that a small and affordable biometric identification card would have saved you a lot of bother!

Jupiter rising indicates an Iranian chip-shop proprietor will set fire to your grandparents in the coming weeks. Perhaps if there were CCTV cameras outside their flat (or preferably in their living room) such a horrible tragedy could be averted?

This week you will realise what a scary place the outside world is, and that there are thieves and murderers on every street corner. Look out the window. Can you see them? With their evil, beady little eyes! Why not watch some Big Brother to take your mind off it? Big Brother will make everything better!

Muslim extremists will blow up your face on the way to work tomorrow. Why not have a small, unobtrusive implant placed under your skin that allows your friendly government to ensure your safety in the future?

Mercury falling means you might hear rumours of “Cyborg Law Enforcement Units” patrolling the streets of London. Just ignore them–if you’re innocent, then you’ve got nothing to worry about.

Today you will realise that emotion is the primary cause of all pain and suffering in the world, and that by injecting a government-supplied emotion suppressing compound into your blood stream on a daily basis, you will be able to live a carefree and productive life in service of your great country and leaders, free of the shackles of the terrible fear that grips your daily life.

You are free. You are happy. You live a productive and carefree life. Your government will protect you. You are free. You are happy. You live a productive and carefree life. Your government will protect you. You are free. You are happy. You live a productive and carefree life. Your government will protect you.

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This entry was posted on Friday, August 3rd, 2007 at 1:57 pm and is filed under news, politics. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.