In this edition of ‘one of dem blog posts by that there Lemmy&Binky’, we will take you on a terrifying journey into a dark dystopian future of horrific proportions.

Using the wondrous powers of something we like to call ‘imagination’, we will quite unliterally time travel to a future that is not unlike the present, but is quite unlike the past.Even though it’s not unlike the present, it is worse than the present is, and even more worse than the past that precedes it. That’s how bad it is.

There was a time when all old people had to complain about was the fact that they remember a time when they could leave their doors unlocked without fear of someone doing a rape on them. You may be thinking that that time is now, actually, as that’s all old people seem to go on about. But since we’ve time travelled in that last paragraph, now (back then) is actually the past, not the present. In the future (I mean the present, obviously) when we’re all old and decrepit, we’ll have something much more terrible to contend with, and will remember now (back then) with much fondness and sadness. I’m talking, of course, about the death of social gaming.

TODO: Find non-creepy social gamer photo

Before the amazingness of the Internet rolled onto the scene like a mad donkey full of porn, multiplayer gaming couldn’t help but be a social experience. “I’m going round my mates to play Spy vs. Spy, mam!” I would say, and trundle off down the road on my bike–I’ve cut the “what on God’s Green One is Spy vs. Spy?” section of the conversation out for the sake of brevity, a gesture which I’ve subsequently invalidated by mentioning the fact that I’ve cut it, and compounding matters by explaining the futility of it—and when I got there (we’re talking about going to my mates, remember) we would sit next to each other in front of the C64 and proceed to try and make each other cry with anguish by beating the other, virtually, into the ground 30 or so times in a row.

Oh yes, we were competitive to the point of barbarism. The smug fucking jeers of my mate when he beat me repeatedly (which never, ever, happened, obviously) and his  sniggering mug and cocky comments would drive me close to a psycopathic paddy-fit, and it would mean when my (assured) victory eventually came to pass, I would have to make his defeat as painful as possible. “It’s alright mate, you don’t have to be good at EVERY game” I would remark with smug glee, “maybe I can show you a few tricks so you do better next time?”, “if you want I’ll let you set a handicap?” Of course, when it was his turn to win, I would get it back ten-fold, and so on.

Good times! Sure, each of us had the earnest and unspoken goal to drive the other to the depths of madness, we were both the worst losers and the worst winners. It caused many, many, many, many, many arguments, but every minute of it was pure gold.

So what of it? Where do we go from here? In 20 years time, while we’re chowing down on sustenance pills and lying low from the Cyborg Justice Squads, will I be able to push him to stand on the sofa screaming and miming planting the joypad inside my cranium when I beat him 25-7 on Halo 23? No we won’t! Why?

Because, unfortunately, we’ll be unlikely to be able to play the same game unless we happen to reside in different buildings!

Historians will no doubt mark these days as the start of the end, where insane game designers and odious suit-faces in boardrooms started fucking over the social gamer.

Of course, we all know from the chronologically spannered, yet worryingly likely 1984 that historians will likely be working on fake history, rewritten for our own safety by our glorious leaderhead in his white Perspex tower. So what games will be lauded as the groundbreaking landmarks that helped curb the dangerous trend of “being in the same room”?

These…

Civilization Seclusion

Your opponent is over there, someplace, I think.

When Civilization Revolution came out, there was much debate about the reimagined and simplified rules, reduction in complexity and more console friendly ‘dumbed down’ nature of the game. Fuck that! It’s not a replacement for Civilization 4, it’s a reimagining! The original Battlestar Galactica doesn’t cease to exist just because someone had the idea of giving Cylons cracking norks, did it?

If anything it will draw new crowds to the originals, or make them more attractive properties for TV channels to pick up! (I’m still talking Battlestar here, obviously, I doubt televised Civ games would be that attractive to any TV channel.)

That all said, it’s perhaps a bit hypocritical of me to say, since the US version of the Office gets totally up my tits, and I worry it is surplanting the original, which I love, on the internet. But still…

No, the real problem with Civ Revolution is thus…

WHERE IN GREAT FUCKERY HAS THE HOTSEAT MODE GONE?

The amount of hours I’ve spent with mates playing Civ 4, both passing a laptop back and forth, or hunched over a PC, is ridiculous. Playing on separate computers feels very insular, as it’s practically a single player game until you finally meet up with each other, and even then unless you’re warring each other there is little interaction. Okay, hotseat means you see each other’s goes, but that only goes to make their go a little more interesting to sit through… and with semi-aggressive threatening mouse clicks and a smug glance, can make the game even more fun with “don’t you dares!” and “I could take that city right now if I wanted to!”. I was almost literally eating my own ears to play Civ on the Xbox. No more hunching over a PC, we couldn’t wait!

But no. Fuck you social gamers. Move out, don’t visit, buy another Xbox and internet connection, or you can play it on your tod like the lonely geeks you should be!

Okay then, since you asked nicely! We’ll let you play against complete strangers, if you like. Who cares if you don’t know who they are, can’t see their faces drop when you roll a bunch of knights into their capital, and don’t care even if you could? Maybe Civ Rev 2 can have selectable character face expressions to convey how gutted or smug you are onto your opponents screen? That’ll do won’t it? Yeah, screw them!

It’s okay though. We’ve just got the new Tiger Woods game. That was good, remember? Surely a fucking GOLF game would have turn-based hot-seat mode down to a tee? Oh God, trust me that pun wasn’t intentional, but then I’ve not deleted it, so I guess I’m guilty as sin.

Tiger Woods Pro Loner Challenge Cup

Nope, EA, in a bold move to try and put people in dark boxes and socialise only through a plastic wire, have made steps to ensure that even the most persistent of social gamers will have trouble getting anything out of the game!

Why? Well first, you can only play against the custom golfers in the current profile, which basically means that it’s impossible to play with you, as your character, instead multiple players will need to create a new character in the profile owner’s slots in order to play against each other.

Not in my name! Please!

Secondly, a newly created custom character plays golf with all the grace of a dead giraffe. Wouldn’t it be nice if, like in every other game mode in the game, the golfers skills increased based on how you played? That way there would be a real sense of progression, and this has been done to much success on many games.

For example, in Super Smash Bros. All the game unlockables will eventually be unlocked if you play multiplayer long enough. That’s great, and really shows where the heart of the game is, as it means those people with one telly can get all the stuff they paid for without having to tie up the TV for hours and drudge through countless hours of single player on a game that’s only any bloody fun if you’re playing against someone.

Not only that, but you’d have to all individually play through the single-player, one after another, to get all the custom characters up to a more enjoyable skill level. With the added bonus that the profile owner would be getting all the achievement unlock creds.

To make matters even worse, it then becomes apparent that all cheats have been removed from the game, and fully statted up to the tits custom characters are buyable off Xbox Live Marketplace! What??

Since when have cheats been deemed purchasable content? Has the entire games industry gone mad? The answer is yes, obviously, in case you thought I had any doubt.

Come Mine With Me, Come Mine, Come Mine and Fish and Make Potions

AKA Every MMORPG on the planet. Now for the big bitch, as these bastards are completely sucking the life out of any game that doesn’t have the word ‘massively’ in the genre name.

LOL I JUST CRAVE FOR HUMAN CONTACT /cry

It’s the same with anything where execs suddenly figure out that they can charge someone monthly for something people have already bought. Suddenly, just making money the once is no longer good enough. This is where true social gaming (i.e. being in the same continent when you’re playing with someone) is really going down the pan.

If you think it’s not a problem, and, say, have access to a LAN where you enjoy frequent headshot frenzies against your co-workers or friends, then be wary. It’s not just MMORPGs that are trying to get a piece of the monthly disposable income pie. As readers of the “Chavs Stole Our Computer Games Shocker” post will be aware, I am a huge turn-based strategy fan. Particularly squad based strategy games.

Games like the first two Fallout games, X-Com 1 + 2, Laser Squad. Amazing! If a good one of those came out nowadays, I would gladly part with even £60 for a copy.

But… er…

Laser Squad Nemesis

… :’(

You what now? A subscription for a play-by-fucking-email turn based strategy game? Are you shitting me? They’re indie I guess. They need to earn a living, right? It’s not that much, really. But still, a subscription for a play-by-fucking-email turn based strategy game??I think this is just exploitative, and I LOVE turn-based strategy games. It’s exploitative because, as I only too well know, there are NO alternatives out there.

If you want this kind of game, and oh do I so want it, then this is the only one you can get. They know that, so have decided to punch all the people, who loved their old games so much, in the gut and run off with their wallets laughing and crying at the same time, presumably all the way to the bank.

I even tried to get it! Despite being rather shocked at the audacity of it, like a crack whore sucking her way to a fix, I couldn’t resist the promise of amazing turn-based squad action that I’ve done without for so many years, and so I finally, shamefully, gave in and put in my credit card details. Unfortunately (or fortunately, perhaps) my card wouldn’t work on their site, as apparently pound sterling is not something they care to deal in.

I mailed them, scratching my arms and shaking about like a smackhead, and what happened? I got no reply. Nice. So clearly top rate customer service is top of the shopping list from all those subscriptions. Twats.

Worse is that since all they have to do is sit back and rake in the subscriptions, making the odd patch or update, they’re not really going to be motivated to make another one, a better one, a more innovative one.

Instead of prompting a series of modern day turn-based squaddie games, perhaps encouraging a rebirth of the genre they created as other people try and rip them off, they set up this insular little grief bubble filled with turn-based crack-riddled community members that you can only be part of if you stump up the cash, and even then you may be denied access.

This is the way it’s going now. FPS fans beware! How long before FPS games are all persistent world battlefields, and you have to part with 20 quid a month to log on? Not long, I’ll warrant. Think that with that business plan, they’re gonna let people play offline on a LAN network and escape that tasty 20 quid hub cap for their new Porsche? Are they hell! Then even LAN gaming will start getting shat on, and the only way you’ll be able to have a lunchtime murder rampage is if all your colleagues also foot the monthly bill, which is unlikely as anyone whose tried to organize these things will know how hard it is to get people to all buy the same game, even when it’s just a one off payment!

Either that, or you log on alone, and go and kill some random anonymouses, and will never again hear the distressed yelp of that ugly coder who sits behind the partition when you ‘nade him for the fifth time in a row.

Where will it end? In 20 years time, will it even be possible to talk to someone in the same room without putting on your Virtual Conversation Helmets?

We need a revolution! This is a call to all you indies out there. Indie is the future, but don’t start being greedy and exploiting your customer-base whenever you think you can. Then you’re no better than EA with their rent-a-cheat bullshit.

Popularity: 1% [?]

Click here to download Sexy Seaside Beachball now!

Sexy Seaside Beachball Released Finally!

Lemmy&Binky are finally back from our worldwide press tour! We’ve been away for some time meeting with the big wig games journalists from around the interglobe, attending game developer trade shows and even giving a keynote speech on Breast Physics Modelling at GDC in Leipzig!

It’s been a pretty tiring experience, but also a rewarding one, as now the whole games industry has been burst apart with Sexy Seaside Beachball mania!

At E3, the Sinclair stand was smaller than in previous years, but was still drawing some pretty impressive crowds hoping to get a big eyeful of sexy fun! And boy did they get that!

In case you’ve been living under a pebble for the past year or two, we first announced development of Sexy Seaside Beachball in November last year, and were met with a strange combination of rabid excitement and controversy right from the start. That was only to be expected considering the screenshots and teaser video broke down walls in video game eroticism unprecedented in video games to this point!

Slammed by the Christian Church of Christ as being “against God’s lovely words of Wisdom” and by popular TV Evangelist Charlotte Church as being “too sexy for The Internets By Far” SSB is said to have “changed the way we play video games forever, again, after Click the Spot changed the way we played video games forever before that.”

It’s actually hard to remember how we originally played games now we’ve changed it so much–twice!–Though it probably involved some kind of cumbersome ‘controller shoe’.

SSB sets a new trend in positive female role models in video games, delicately and intelligently exploring the wide Spectrum of sexuality of sexy tanned beachball babes in today’s society (lesbians, basically!)

So enough talk, now’s your chance to finally play the game more engaging than Spore and with more physics than Newtonian law. A game so original and genre-busting it’s actually scientifically impossible to have the idea in the first place!

It’s Sexy Time!

You’ve come to Mick’s Island believing there to be a big fighting tournament. But oh noes! You’ve been lied to! He’s just pretended there was so he could invite all the sexy girl fighters to his island to do a rape, probably. But more fool him, as you clearly have other ideas! Tee hee!

The object of the game is to become “close friends” with the other girls, by buying them lovely presents and playing sexy fun games with them! DO YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES?

Game Features:

• High fidelity titillation guaranteed to make sexy feelings!
• Over two mini-games! (Three)
• Open sandbox mission design. (Choose where to go, in any order!)
• Sophisticated “Object Owning and Transferral” system brings new levels of Inventorial realism.
• Top drawer innuendo wrotten by the World’s leading in writing.
• Lady-Love
• Highscores that persist after computer shutdown, if you watch the credits!
• A range of different breast sizes to suit every whim! (5 pixels, 6 pixels and MORE)
• Pre-game luck test. DRM Checker on game launch assesses player’s luck levels, and fails to load if player is not deemed “lucky enough” to play the game.

And MANY MORE!

The title track, “Go! Go! Sunshine Fun! Feat Rachael Stevens” by P. Diddy will be released as a single in the UK and US on Friday.

Click here to download Sexy Seaside Beachball now!

Popularity: 6% [?]

History will be divided into two eras, before Lemmy&Binky entered the world of Podcasting and after we started Podcasting.

Having successfully taken the web comic world by storm, we felt that our next duty was to take Ricky Gervais off his pedestal and show the world how professionals make Podcasts.

Behold then, and may your ears transcend into a higher plane of existence. An extravagant plane of existence… exclusive, members only, a pay per plane of existence.

Popularity: 13% [?]

So, you’ve finally got that game development job you’ve been waiting for your whole life?

Well done you!

But what’s this? Everyone seems to be talking in some mythical language? “That damn Dreb’s been wheeling since Alpha!” What in buggery are we all talking about?!

Don’t worry, that’s just how game developers speak, and after reading our jargon busting guide, you’ll be able to talk just like a game developer.

And if you’ve not made it into the industry yet, try dropping these beauties in at your interview, and they’ll probably assume you’ve been busting out games for years!

Behold the wordage!

Alpha - A mythical date rumoured to be made up by publishers to scare developers into working faster.

Anonymouse - Rattish looking tester guy no one recognizes, and that you assume is new, but who turns out to have been working there for six months.

Asset Manager - A central repository for your incorrectly named files to get lost in.

Beta - The day you hug your family outside your house, and say goodbye to the dog with a tender rub of its head, before climbing into the back of a taxi to stare in mourning at your waving loved ones, whom you will not see again for several months.

Camracks - The particularly nerdy section of the programming team. Camracks are usually identified by their long black leather coats that they think make them look like Neo out of the Matrix, but don’t.

Deriver - Name given to a designer who is made so purely because they are shit at what they were actually employed to do. They survive by unceremoniously cobbling together “things that worked” in other games with little thought of why they actually worked.

Dreb - A senior employee that never does any work, but goes out drinking with the studio heads and so gets away with it.

Extension - The crucial stage of development where the release date is moved back three months.

Gatekeeper - The privileged member of staff that can inexplicably bypass the company firewall, and whose shared folder is the company’s primary source of Lost, Heroes, 24 and Battlestar Galactica episodes.

Going for a coffee - Going for a whinge.

Going for a ciggie - Going for a whinge.

Going for a meeting - Not having a meeting, but an excuse as to why you’re away from your desk having a whinge.

Graphics Tablet - Performance enhancing drugs taken by artists to make their art better.

Milestone - What the publishers believe has been done on the project in a given month.

Mollying it up - A term often used in marketing departments, or amongst staff when their studio head appears in an interview. “Mollying it up” may include making bold and erroneous statements about the game reinventing its genre, or detailing amazing features of the game that are sure to be chopped out before release on account of them being the rambles of a dangerously optimistic designer.

Nogylop - A back-facing polygon.

Paper beard - The pad of paper taken into meetings in order to look like you’re on the ball, which is generally only used for drawing little faces.

Placeholder - Final art.

Pray-day - A monthly opportunity to find out how much financial difficulty your studio is in.

Poly-pusher - A term used by programmers to describe artists.

Prick - A term used by artists to describe above programmers.

Pulling a Sid - Used to describe a lead designer’s actions when insisting that their name should be on the front of the box.

Previewing - The remarkable precognitive ability of some game developers to be able to read reviews of the game they are working on months or even years before they are even published.

Prototyping - A way of explaining not doing actual work.

Quoquadrahedrant - A really complicated thing to do with polygons your primitive brain couldn’t possibly understand.

Rendering - Something for your PC to be doing so it looks active while you’re away having a whinge.

Rebuild All - Same as above, but for coders.

Schedule - A joke.

Skribb - That weird new guy who gets dumped on that project… you know the one! Tee hee!

Sleep Token - The food, up to the value of five pounds (ten dollars) that is used to justify 5 hours of unpaid overtime.

Smirkey - The bizarre ambivalence felt by smokers when simultaneously joking and crying about the game they are making, as in “Fancy going for a Smirkey Tab?”

Time-stomp - A mail sent out to your long-departed boss at 4am in the vain hope they will notice it was sent out at 4am.

The Brown Mile - The journey from home to work on a Sunday afternoon.

The Sims - The people game developers see out of the window that are mysteriously leaving work at 5:30.

Wheeling - Work-avoidance ritual carried out by programmers, traditionally on Fridays after the lunch time beer. The mouse-wheel is used to periodically scroll up and down a source file, along with a furrowed and intense thinking expression on their faces, and while listening to music on headphones. Sometimes writing “I am bored” into the code, then deleting is used for extra effect. The artist form of wheeling is more sophisticated, sometimes even involving rotating a model around as well as zooming in and out of it.

Wings - A rite of passage in the game industry. Getting ones wings pertains to the first time one has overdosed on Red Bull at 4am.

Popularity: 20% [?]

There are about a bazillion things I miss from my C64. Things which made games games, like SID chip music, flashy loading bars and loading screens. Music which defined the game rather than being some bog standard hip-hop track or something that could have been lifted from any random film. Joysticks with suckers attached to the bottom, and a user manual with instructions for how to program a simple game. These are the things of “proper” computers and “proper” games. These are also things which everybody who grew up with them fondly remembers during pub conversations while getting dirty looks from the scary blokey blokes in the corner talking about football or something.

So I’m not going to go on about those things any more. They’re a given. What I really miss is something that was born out of necessity – a hardware limitation which (as quite often turns out to be the case) resulted in something that not only looked cool, but in my opinion looked better than it’s non-limited modern day counterpart. And that’s the palettised fade. And by palettised, I’m talking 16 colour fixed palette.

Let me demonstrate:

Isn’t it lovely? Isn’t it gamey? So much more visually interesting than:

Yawn. And the thing is, apart from some TV and film credits where they do something swanky with their text fades, it’s something you oh so rarely see in games from which medium they were born. It’s just, “let’s just make the alpha go from 255 down to 0 and that’ll do” over and over and over again.

Somebody somewhere bring back the palettised fade!

Popularity: 13% [?]