Welcome deer readers! (and other assorted mammals that might also happen to be reading). You are lucky enough to join us after an extended hiatus with an exciting new regular feature on the site!

In the Lemmy&Binky Indieviews we will quiz the greatest minds of our generation on their most loved and most hated indie games, how much they like a quick game of Cake Mania before tea, and exactly how many copies of Gibbage they have bought.

Joining us for our first Indieview is renowned physicist Stephen Hawking, who has taken some time out from his busy schedule of talking about black holes and reading Penny Arcade to join us for a chat about the indie gaming scene. What a lovely bloke!

L&B: Thanks for joining us Prof. Hawking! So with all your thinking about science and that, we can imagine you don’t get much time for playing indie games?

Stephen Hawking: Hi Lemmy&Binky, thanks for your recent email which you sent to Prof. Stephen Hawking- Stephen would be happy to contribute an interview to your site but unfortunately he is away at a conference at the moment - please feel free to send your questions to me and I will ensure Stephen answers them when he returns. Best regards Cathy

L&B: So what do you think of Gibbage? A great game, isn’t it?

Stephen Hawking: Hello Lemmy&Binky, I’m afraid Prof. Hawking will be away from the office until the 26th of March so it would be best if you sent us a complete copy of your questions so he can tackle them all when he returns from his trip. Best regards Cathy.

L&B: Well we haven’t had a post on our site for a while now, and we don’t really want to wait until the 26th if at all possible. Isn’t there any way you could get a copy of the questions over to him?

Stephen Hawking: I’m afraid he is unlikely to have the time to particapate in your interview until he gets back. May I ask what this interview is actually regarding?

L&B: the interview will be mainly about the indie scene, though we will stick in a couple of spacey questions in there to give Prof. Hawking a chance to plug his own stuff, any new books he has out or whatever. Sound good?

Stephen Hawking: I’m not sure I understand what this “indie scene” is that you mention, is this something relating to Stephen’s professional work at all?

L&B: Well not really. We tried to get Peter Molyneux but he wouldn’t answer our e-mails.

Stephen Hawking: Please refrain from e-mailing us any more regarding this matter. I will send Stephen a copy of this email thread when he returns, and if he wishes to participate in an interview you will hear from him then. Regards Cathy.

So there you have it! When he’s not he’s not mulling over space-time, Prof. Hawking likes nothing more than going to conferences… of some description. He also has a PA called Cathy, though she may be his publicist. Or wife. Or something. You heard it here first, in the Lemmy&Binky Indieview!

Popularity: 70% [?]

Further to the last post regarding the terrible things that are happening to our games, these brave warriors are stepping forward and kicking Chav arse: http://ufo2000.sourceforge.net/

UFO: Enemy Unknown MULTIPLAYER!

We salute you! You’ve made me so happy!

Popularity: 53% [?]

So, you always wanted to make games for a living, right? Well now is your chance, as Lemmy&Binky offer you a one-stop guide that will get you making games quicker than [look up speed-related pop culture reference].

So without further ado, let us take you on a journey! A mysterious journey filled with excitement and wonder. A magical ride, where the only limits are… Sorry, what we meant to say was…

So without further ado–

Financial Support

Okay, so first things first. Your IGF winning indie game is not even going to get made if you’re out on the streets dining out of rubbish bins, is it? You’re going to need to be able to financially support yourself for maybe a year (possibly even two) whilst you make your game.

This is why most indie game developers tend to sell drugs and weapons to support development of their games (Libya is a good place to start with this). Some indie developers also like to dabble in sex trafficking, though many feel it too time-consuming. We strongly recommend you buy a copy of Dave Perry’s excellent bible on the subject of funding game development, “Sex, Drugs and AK47s”, which is available on Amazon and in all good book stores.

Quest for the Indie Stone

Before you start developing your indie game, you need to be in possession of one of the ancient Indie Stones. There are only known to be 12 of these in the world, which is the main reason the indie game industry is much smaller than the commercial game industry (the commercial games industry does not require mystical stones of any kind–just the tears of a disappointed child)

Of course, to obtain one, this means you will have to take an Indie Stone from another indie game developer. This is the only situation where indie game developers are permitted to kill each other.

One of the mystical Indie Stones

Protection

Now you’re in possession of an Indie Stone, you are a bonafide indie developer! Congratulations! This does however mean that you are certain to be getting a knock at the door from a slightly threatening man called Don Marshall. He will ask you if you want “protection”. Say yes! It’s just how things work on the indie game scene, so get used to it! We all have!

Design

This is where your creativity can go wild! Just jot down details of how your game will work, perhaps on the back of a used bus ticket or something.

Things to think about: How many same colour blocks have to be adjacent to “match them”? Write it down. How many different coloured blocks ARE there? Write it down. How fast will the blocks fall? Write it down. Are there going to be special “power blocks” that destroy all connecting blocks of the same colour? Write it down.

Done? Good!

Uh-oh, now the tricky bit. You need to actually make the game! Where the hell do you start!?

Development

Remember the fabled stone that you bloodied your Indie Knife to retrieve? Yes? Well, this is where it does its magic.

Now, first off, you need a hat. A top hat is considered the industry standard, but trilbies work just as well.

Start by turning the lights off in your computer room. Then, making sure you are in a comfortable typing position with the hat rested on your lap, put the Indie Stone into the hat, along with your written design.

Now you need to put your head into the hat. The mystical light that emits from the Indie Stone will transform the written words on your design into a strange code. You need to copy this code by typing it into a Word document on your PC.

Yes, you read that last bit right… you need to do this whilst your head is in the hat.

We’re sure you’ve heard that game development is hard, and this is why! This is called “coding”.

It is crucially important that no light from your monitor gets into the hat, otherwise it could interfere with the code that the Indie Stone projects. Light getting into the Indie Hat is the main cause of bugs in indie games (other offenders being bad handwriting, or using a baseball cap instead of a proper hat)

Once you’ve written all the code into the Word document, you need to email it to Bill Gates, who will “compile” it and send you back a working executable of your game! Hurray!

Testing

Testing is not very important. After all, come on! It’s only an indie game. Chill out! Geez!

Permission Granted

Awesmoe! Your game is finished! Congratulations!

But wait! Don’t go releasing it just yet! There’s something extremely important you have to do first, and that is… Ask for permission from George Lucas.

Yes, it’s true. George Lucas owns the copyright for any indie game that has ever been, or ever will be, produced. If you release an indie game without his expressed permission, then his lawyers will come down on you like a pack of wild dogs. Whilst we’re on the subject, it’s probably a good idea to call him rather than make a house visit, otherwise he’s likely to release his pack of wild dogs on you.

Reviews

There is an age old ritual between indie developers and indie game web journalists that all successful indie developers adhere to. It is somewhat time consuming and can be expensive, but is a sure-fire way to ensure your game gets positive coverage across the internet. You must make the Indie Developer Pilgrimage.

Indie Developer Pilgrimage

The Indie Developer Pilgrimage has been made countless times by thousands of veteran indie game developers over the years, and is seen very much as a rite of passage for those who have never made the journey. The pilgrimage begins at London, England, before travelling over the Atlantic to New York, then up into Ottawa in Canada, followed by a journey back over the border and to the west coast of the US, the long trek across the Pacific to Tokyo, Japan, finally arriving back at London for a pint of Worthington’s and a game of Click the Spot. This epic journey can be seen below:

So what is the purpose of this trek? It’s not for the sightseeing, that’s for sure! Just part of the dance between the indie developer and their most venomous of foes, the know-it-all indie game web journalist.

In order to secure at the very least a 50% review score, the indie game developer must perform a series of intricate gestures in public at each city visited in the pilgrimage, hoping to attract the attention of any indie game journalists in the area. The dance must be exact, otherwise the indie game blogger will lose interest immediately, and will continue on their perpetual hunt for Jack Thompson news stories and Wii jokes.

We’ve not got the time, space nor the inclination to detail each of these moves in this guide, but the entertaining and highly informative DVD series “Bustin’ 10/10 Indie Moves”, by successful indie developer Cliff Harris, will steer you clear of all those stumbles and faux-pas gyrations that would otherwise see your indie game smashed with 6% right across the interweb.

You might also be wondering why the pilgrimage only includes England, US, Canada and Japan. This is mainly because indie game reviewers do not exist in any other country.

Negotations

So, you’ve managed to attract the attention of a mischievous internet opinion-smith? Now it’s time to negotiate your score!

First, you need to write down your ideal review score, along with the number of a nearby pay-phone, onto the inside of a Twix wrapper and drop it nonchalantly into a tramp’s cup. It is a little known fact that 93% of homeless people are in the service of indie bloggers, and will immediately take your desired score to them.

Next, you must wait by the designated phone until it rings. DO NOT ANSWER IT. You must count the number of times it rings. This is the review score the indie word-peddler is wanting to award your efforts.

Once the phone has stopped ringing, if you are not happy with the score proposed, you have the opportunity to contest that score. Stand outside the phone-box and perform the correct gesture (the blogger is sure to be watching) and within a few seconds the phone will ring again. This time you are allowed to answer it. Now you are given 10 seconds (no more) to blurt out your arguments as to why your game deserves a higher score. It is a good idea to rehearse this in advance, as you only get one shot at it.

So that’s it! You’re now an experienced indie developer making a shed load of cash! Well done!

A few final pointers to help you on your way:

• As an indie developer you will now have developed an acute allergy to wasp stings. Avoid at all costs!
• Mahjongg and tits. Don’t break with tradition.
• Giving your game a crap title will make it endearing – preferably something juvenile (like Shlongg?)
• Games with the word “Mania” after them sell approximately 43.5% more copies. This effect can be doubled by adding the word “Xtreme”.
• Screen* pScreen;

This article was part of the “So You Want To be An Indie Developer?” combine. For other “So You Want To Be An Indie Developer?” opinion and hintery, click one of these lovely links below:

Gibbage.co.uk :-
http://www.gibbage.co.uk/2006/11/so- you-want-to-be-indie-developer.html

Cliffski’s Mumblings :-
http://cliffski.blogspot.com/2006/11/so-you-want-to-be-indie-developer.html

GameProducer.net :-
http://www.gameproducer.net/2006/11/20/so-you-want-to-be-an-indie-developer/

Reality Fakers :-
http://sharpfish.realityfakers.com/?p=103

Zoombapup :-
http://www.zoombapup.com/2006/11/so-you-want-to-be-indie-developer.html

BoneBroke :-
http://www.bonebroke.com/blog/index.php/2006/11/20/so-you-want-to-be-an-indie-developer/

Introversion :-
http://www.introversion.co.uk/news/index.php

They Came from Hollywood :-
http://www.tcfh.com/news.html

Popularity: 5% [?]

You know something? I LOVE CAKES! They’re brilliant, aren’t they? The sheer amount of different types of cakes you can have is amazing! Marzipan, strawberry, chocolate!

Even carrots!?

Imagine that?! Carrots on a bloody cake! Brilliant!

So imagine my joy when a review copy of Cake Mania winged its way to me? Oh happy days! I can only imagine this will literally be the most brilliant thing in the world!

Ready, Steady, Review!

I was literally overcome with happiness when I was greeted with the lovely install program. The way it copied all the files onto my PC with a reassuring whirring noise of my drive.

‘It literally doesn’t get any better than this!’ I thought…

But boy was I wrong!

After loading the game and seeing the wonderful title screen (A lovely girl making cakes! Genius!) It brought a tear to my eye. SURELY the game couldn’t live up to this magnificent build up? The words could only be uttered by a man who hasn’t played Cake Mania!

I took a few moments to calm my excitement, then started the game. “What’s this?!” I cried, as I witnessed an absolutely magnificent cartoon strip! Wonderful! I won’t spoil the story for you, but let me just say from this point I was hooked.

Then onto the game. Wow! I have my own kitchen! And I’m that lovely girl! Imagine being a girl! Wouldn’t that be brilliant? Being able to play with dolls, or go to slumber parties, and all those other things girls might do! I literally can’t think of anything else that would be so wonderful! And now I have a chance to step into the shoes of a girl who owns her own cake shop! Thanks Grandpa!!!

A lovely girl making cakes. Inspired!

Man, this game is brilliant! And I’m usually very cynical, as you know! In Cake Mania, you make cakes of all kinds of wonderful shapes! Brown circular ones, blue triangular ones… EVEN PINK STAR SHAPED ONES! Man, this game makes me want to sing and dance with elation!

And the customers! Man, I wish my customers were so cool! This guy in a red jacket pointing at me like the Fonz! He’s completely brilliant!

Anyway, go and buy this game immediately. It has cakes, it has a lovely girl making the cakes, and some pretty cool customers buying the cakes. Did I mention the icing you can put on the cakes? Do I even need to???

I need to sit down! 10/10

Popularity: 7% [?]

Every great game is built using Metaphor. Now Metaphor isn’t some programming language or document editor - I’ve only capitalised it because it’s Really Important. Like that bit. See? Good. Now our Metaphor should be Solid and Hard. Let’s pick an example.

How about pickle as in, “in this game the player gets in a bit of a pickle”. Now you might be thinking that this is a great Metaphor because it implies that your game’s got great puzzles – pickle is after all made out of a combination (that means mix) of ingredients. And you combine things in some puzzle games. Also, pickle is quite tasty and you might want your game’s protagonist (that means player character) to be some tasty bird.

But no! Pickle is no good because pickle is squishy and not Solid and Hard. We need something that really screams Solid and Hard (that isn’t rude), and I can think of only one thing – a Rock. As in Solid as a Rock! Rock Hard! Rockefeller! Rock on, dude! Rocky IV! Baroque! Perfect!

How to conceptualize an award winning game

Every planet has a Rock at its core. Every game has a nugget of what it is, and that is the concept. The conceptualization of the game is the stage where you decide what is in the game. Conceptualization is really important.

Some great concepts include ones where the player has to do really cool things, like save the world or destroy something, or rescue a princess. A concept can also be something that is different about the game. It could involve no shooting, for example. Or it could involve shooting different things (like aliens, or innocent people)

Anyway, as you can see, ideas spray from my brain like a geyser of genius, but that is to be expected. For you this process may be hard. But do not despair, because a Rock is fashioned from smaller Rocks – for even the ant that stands on the pebble stands taller than the smaller ant, in the mud beside the pebble. I think that is the best way to express what I mean.

So, as you can see, conceptualizing is Very Important.

How to construct an exciting and absorbent narrative

Narrative is very important. A litre of water can be displaced by a Rock. And that Rock is the Narrative, in a bucket of Story.

The narrative is what happens in the story, and how the game happens to the player as they are playing the game. A narrative requires a narrator, and that narrator is you, and you must narrate to the player the story in the form of a narrative. This is what a narrative is.

Always start your narrative with a cut-scene!

This cut-scene should be long and impressive. Now, some gamers are lazy gamers, and they just want to get to the game-play as quickly as possible. Of course, we know that the narrative is Very Important, so it is crucial that you make sure this cut-scene is compulsory. A good way to do this is to disable the joy-pad (this is programming speak for making the joy-pad not work)

Gamers get tired hands

It is important to interrupt game-play frequently to give the player’s hands a rest. Adding numerous non-story related cut-scenes, a great example of which is the brilliant Resident Evil series and it’s fondly remembered opening door animations, which were actually not related to load times, but a genius bit of game design to rest gamers’ hands. You can use similar devices like overly complex “picking item up off floor” sequences, or blissfully long death animations.

Story drives game-play, not the other way around!

A car cannot be driven without a driver. That driver must be the story pushing the pedal of narrative. It is important that what happens in your story happens, whether the player likes it or not. It doesn’t matter if the player isn’t having fun right away, if it’s important to the story then put it in, because there’ll be plenty of time for fun later on.

Adding the plot twist

You must have a plot twist because it makes your story sound clever. A good way to add a plot twist is to make one of the characters a bad guy, even though you thought they were a good guy (like in Star Wars). This is a great example of a plot twist. Market Research scientifically shows that this plot twist will do, so just use that one. Also, make sure that this plot-twist is explained in full on the back of the box, to show the gamers that they are buying a clever game.

Think big (like a Rock, a big Rock)

Some small and boring game is not going to get to #1. Gamers are hungry for bigness, and only bigness will do. For example, it is generally seen as a bit of an embarrassment in the upper echelons of the game industry to release a game that fits on a single DVD (or perish the thought, a CD), so make sure your cut-scenes are high definition FMV that would make Peter Jackson bluish. Your story deserves it.

Ending on perfection

Spending time on the ending is not as important as the beginning, as only a few gamers will get to it. Junior designers or placement students would be ideal for this task, so you can spend your time making that all important intro! Remember to get your name first on the credits, and that the credits are accessible from the main menu (or better still compulsory at the start of the game). Remember whose hard work this game is down to. (Yours… and mine)

So there we go. Rock Solid game design in a nutshell. No not a nutshell actually, a Rock Holder. But a small Rock Holder that’s portable and fits into a pocket or something.

P.S. Buy Gibbage by Don Martian

Popularity: 5% [?]