Lemmy&Binky chum Donatello Spageddi Marshall has done gone and made a highly informative instructional video of extreme social importance.

Learn this video inside out, show it to your children, pass it on to your friends. The message must be spread, before it’s too late!

We think it’s something to do with self-harm, or leprosy, or something. The sound’s is not working on our PCs.

URGENT: How To Survive a Zombie Apocalypse

It’s dead good, promise. And no, that was not a pun. Well, it was, but not an intentional one. Look, just watch the video, okay?

Oh yes, and digg it, before it’s too late! DIGG IT NOW!

It’s got a Lovely Log in it too! And that Ben guy off the Peter Sandwich show, but we forget his name.

Popularity: 50% [?]

Being a celeb (or ‘sleb’ as us literally geniuses might call it) is a big pain in the arse, isn’t it?

Of course, many of you are not famous like us, so you probably don’t know what we’re talking about. But just trust us when we say it is a royal pain in the Netherlands!

Now that we’re in this oft sought-after position, we felt it our duty to share our experiences with you, the plebs. I don’t mean that in an insulting way of course - there’s nothing necessarily wrong with being a pleb and, in fact, nowadays we rather dream of being able to drift through life in that vacuous, nondescript, and rather bland way that you people do.

On Why We’re Obviously Totally Famous

Before we move onto dealing with fame, first we will explain how famous we are. There are no egotistical motives for this at all, we are just using it as an example of how great and famous we are.

Since starting this blog, and the release of the hit internet game Click the Spot, Lemmy&Binky have become somewhat of an internet phenomenon. With a readership of over 100 people a day–which is a lot when you think about it–most of the peoples in the world will probably know who we are now, even if they don’t like to admit it. Let’s do some working out!

The blog has been running for over a year now. If we assume that 100 people a day have been visiting the blog since day one then this can be worked out as such:

365 x 100 = 36,500

Wowzers! That’s scientific proof that over 36 thousand actual people have read our blog!

A quick thought experiment for you: Imagine a big group of people in a big room. If you were to guess, how many people would you say there are in this imaginary room? Lots? Sure. More than 36,500? I somehow doubt it.

36,500 is such a huge amount of people that if you converted each person into a pound coin, you could probably buy a brand new Lexus (well, a nearly new one, at least) and even have some money left over for petrol!

Can you think of a number bigger than 36,500? Well we can, only just… but we need to sit down and really concentrate to do it.

Hence why we find it extraordinarily unlikely that there are more people than this in the world.

Not only because we can imagine the entire world without needing to sitting down first, but also having loads more people than 36,500 people would surely make the world too heavy and fall down, or something?

So we can only realistically conclude, from all this, that we are a bonifide household name by now.

So having finally made it to the big-time, we made a startling realisation…

[cue spooky music]

…we realisated that fame is not all it’s cracked up to be…

How People React When They See a Famous

All of us hyper-famous slebs have faced this problem at one point or another. You’re sat at the front of the bus. It stops, and some pretty girl gets on. She walks by you, clearly thinking to herself “oooh look, it’s those guys who did Click the Spot! Sitting on the bus just like us common folk!”

You wink knowingly, but she just casts her eyes away uncomfortably, clearly humbled and shy to be in the presence of someone who’s made it.

She sits down as far away from you as possible, clearly worried that you would think she was stalking you or something.

But no, you’re better than that… You can’t just shun away from the little people who helped you get where you are in the first place!

So you stand up and walk to the back of the bus, slumping nonchalantly down besides her, and telling her that it’s alright–You’re a person just like her, kind of.

Okay, you’re a better person. A more important person. A person who has done something great enough to become famous, but a person all the same.

It is about now that the jealousy invariably sets in. She moves to an empty seat, casting you a venomous look of envy before burying her head in a book or, on occasion, calling out to the driver to ask you politely to alight from the bus.

Yes, we’ve all been there. Fame is a cruel game, and you need a thick shell to cope with a life in the public eye.

The Paparazzi

Dealing with the Paparazzi is the most common cause of the ‘Celebrity Blues’. The photographers are difficult to deal with; their clandestine missions to photograph your bits whenever you leave the house can cause a lot of stress, and make your life somewhat akin to an eyeball in goldfish bowl.

Lemmy&Binky have to deal with this on a daily basis. You never know where the bastards are hiding, but one thing is for sure: They are out there someplace, waiting for the right moment to snap your particulars! Even more harrowing is the secretive manner in which their photos are distributed and printed. They are so crafty at photographing us without our knowledge, it’s almost as if it’s not happening at all.

So if you never see them, their cameras, or their photos, then what’s the problem?

Well, it is invasion of privacy, isn’t it? If you never quite know when the sneaky bastards are going to pop up and snap you, it means you are perpetually on edge. Visiting brothels and our weekly Nazi coffee mornings has become a stressful business. Our peace of mind is quite frankly shot to hell; especially when we’re out abducting livestock under the cover of darkness.

The fear of finding our mugs on the front of the national rags the next day occupies our every waking thought. It hasn’t happened yet, thankfully, but it doesn’t make us sleep any easier!

So what do you do to combat these camera wielding sneaks?

The best way to deal with the Paparazzi, generally, is to make yourself ‘unphotohraphical’ (real word) before you leave the house. A good way to do this is to don a fake moustache, ensure you always have terrible bed hair, and most importantly of all; coat yourself in a light-reactive spray that will render you as an albino space-alien on film.

The only place they’re going to sell those photos is the National Enquirer, or Fortean Times or something. Ha ha! Sucks to be you, photo-snipes! Slebs win, papparazzi 0.

So there we go. That’s all there is to it.

But the best way to deal with the downsides of fame is simply never to become famous in the first place.

We’ll leave you with the words of Big Brother 8 contestant Chanelle Hayes, “Fame is a vapour, popularity an accident, and riches take wings. Only one thing endures, and that is character.”

Wise words indeed!

(or you could just read this, it’s much better writ than this was, like)

Popularity: 52% [?]

So, you’ve finally got that game development job you’ve been waiting for your whole life?

Well done you!

But what’s this? Everyone seems to be talking in some mythical language? “That damn Dreb’s been wheeling since Alpha!” What in buggery are we all talking about?!

Don’t worry, that’s just how game developers speak, and after reading our jargon busting guide, you’ll be able to talk just like a game developer.

And if you’ve not made it into the industry yet, try dropping these beauties in at your interview, and they’ll probably assume you’ve been busting out games for years!

Behold the wordage!

Alpha - A mythical date rumoured to be made up by publishers to scare developers into working faster.

Anonymouse - Rattish looking tester guy no one recognizes, and that you assume is new, but who turns out to have been working there for six months.

Asset Manager - A central repository for your incorrectly named files to get lost in.

Beta - The day you hug your family outside your house, and say goodbye to the dog with a tender rub of its head, before climbing into the back of a taxi to stare in mourning at your waving loved ones, whom you will not see again for several months.

Camracks - The particularly nerdy section of the programming team. Camracks are usually identified by their long black leather coats that they think make them look like Neo out of the Matrix, but don’t.

Deriver - Name given to a designer who is made so purely because they are shit at what they were actually employed to do. They survive by unceremoniously cobbling together “things that worked” in other games with little thought of why they actually worked.

Dreb - A senior employee that never does any work, but goes out drinking with the studio heads and so gets away with it.

Extension - The crucial stage of development where the release date is moved back three months.

Gatekeeper - The privileged member of staff that can inexplicably bypass the company firewall, and whose shared folder is the company’s primary source of Lost, Heroes, 24 and Battlestar Galactica episodes.

Going for a coffee - Going for a whinge.

Going for a ciggie - Going for a whinge.

Going for a meeting - Not having a meeting, but an excuse as to why you’re away from your desk having a whinge.

Graphics Tablet - Performance enhancing drugs taken by artists to make their art better.

Milestone - What the publishers believe has been done on the project in a given month.

Mollying it up - A term often used in marketing departments, or amongst staff when their studio head appears in an interview. “Mollying it up” may include making bold and erroneous statements about the game reinventing its genre, or detailing amazing features of the game that are sure to be chopped out before release on account of them being the rambles of a dangerously optimistic designer.

Nogylop - A back-facing polygon.

Paper beard - The pad of paper taken into meetings in order to look like you’re on the ball, which is generally only used for drawing little faces.

Placeholder - Final art.

Pray-day - A monthly opportunity to find out how much financial difficulty your studio is in.

Poly-pusher - A term used by programmers to describe artists.

Prick - A term used by artists to describe above programmers.

Pulling a Sid - Used to describe a lead designer’s actions when insisting that their name should be on the front of the box.

Previewing - The remarkable precognitive ability of some game developers to be able to read reviews of the game they are working on months or even years before they are even published.

Prototyping - A way of explaining not doing actual work.

Quoquadrahedrant - A really complicated thing to do with polygons your primitive brain couldn’t possibly understand.

Rendering - Something for your PC to be doing so it looks active while you’re away having a whinge.

Rebuild All - Same as above, but for coders.

Schedule - A joke.

Skribb - That weird new guy who gets dumped on that project… you know the one! Tee hee!

Sleep Token - The food, up to the value of five pounds (ten dollars) that is used to justify 5 hours of unpaid overtime.

Smirkey - The bizarre ambivalence felt by smokers when simultaneously joking and crying about the game they are making, as in “Fancy going for a Smirkey Tab?”

Time-stomp - A mail sent out to your long-departed boss at 4am in the vain hope they will notice it was sent out at 4am.

The Brown Mile - The journey from home to work on a Sunday afternoon.

The Sims - The people game developers see out of the window that are mysteriously leaving work at 5:30.

Wheeling - Work-avoidance ritual carried out by programmers, traditionally on Fridays after the lunch time beer. The mouse-wheel is used to periodically scroll up and down a source file, along with a furrowed and intense thinking expression on their faces, and while listening to music on headphones. Sometimes writing “I am bored” into the code, then deleting is used for extra effect. The artist form of wheeling is more sophisticated, sometimes even involving rotating a model around as well as zooming in and out of it.

Wings - A rite of passage in the game industry. Getting ones wings pertains to the first time one has overdosed on Red Bull at 4am.

Popularity: 22% [?]

As you may, or may not, know, apart from our penchant for comma-ridden run-on sentences, Lemmy&Binky, indie babblers extraordinaire(s), are literally brilliant at pulling women. No, seriously. We may be pasty-faced computer geeks that have spoken more words to Nintendogs than real women, but we know our stuff, and that is a fact.

Anyway, after clambering for another subject to do one of our ever-useful “Lemmy&Binky guides” we decided we would share our “gift” with all the other indie geeks out there, and in the process destroy the entire indie game development industry by getting all the developers girlfriends.

This guide is, of course, flagrantly disregarding the fact that some indie developers are apparently women, but come on! That must be some kind of Garage Games spawned propaganda to get poor nerds to buy Torque on the grounds that it might get them laid, and we ain’t buying it! Sorry Garage Games!

We also saw this as an opportunity to show that we understand women, and dispel some of the vicious myths that we think all women who don’t look like Mia should be put in “camps” of some description.

So let the guidage begin!

Confidence is Everything

You aren’t going to attract the womens if you think you’re a bit rubbish and that. Here are some tips on becoming more confident when listening to women prattle on about whatever it is they like to prattle on about.

Be the Alpha Male

What is the “Alpha Male”, you ask? Well, you know when you see those nature programmes and that lion goes around the place eating gazelles and things? Well it’s got something do with them. Lions, that is.

Here are some tips to becoming the “Alpha Male”.

• Apply some extra downwards velocity to your footsteps, making a ‘clomping’ sound as you walk. This gives you something called ‘presence’.
• When any other male in the vicinity says anything at all, scoff and say “how d’ya figure that??” in a loud voice.
• Buy a t-shirt with a big letter “A” printed on the front of it, and buy all your friends t-shirts with other letters on them for their birthdays. Act all hurt if they refuse to wear them on nights out.
• Fight things at every opportunity. Mountain gorillas work best, but even brutally attacking a small bush can work well if approached with sufficient gusto.

Above all, remember one thing: “Arrogance” is just a word invented by rubbish people who are jealous of you.

The ‘Russell Crowe’ Technique

There is what is known in the pickup-artist circles as the Russell Crowe Technique, which can help tremendously if you’re one of those types who lack in confidence. The routine is simple: Each day spend just ten minutes convincing yourself that you’re Russell Crowe. To do this, you can repeat the mantra “G’day mate, I am Russell Crowe” repeatedly to yourself, start random fights with people on the tube, or ‘remember’ how funny it was when that guy who plays Harold Bishop pooed himself on the set of Neighbours.

After a few weeks of this, you will literally become Russell Crowe. As well as having a lucrative career in the movie business, you will become an all together more confident person.

Offence is just a fence. Climb over it!

Wow! We’ve literally just amazed ourselves with that incredibly poignant and cleverly writ section header. Fuck knows what in crickey it means, but we’re almost definite it can increase your pulling power by at least 21.45%! Use it responsibly! Like Spiderman!

Women want a man who understands them

Women aren’t looking for some guy who doesn’t realise them as a person with aspirations and skills, and a person with potential to do whatever they put their minds to. You need to be ready to show that you understand them, to complement them on not just their nice boobies and pretty smile, but also on the things that other sexist blokes would never consider complementing them on, like what they are good at and are passionate about. To show them respect for their own unique accomplishments and merits that go beyond physical appearance.

A good way to do this is to try and drop into the conversation, as early as possible, that you sincerely respect how much better at ironing they likely are than you. Also that you bet they get the really clever jokes on “Have I Got News For You”. Even the ones about politics and stuff!

Also take the time to find out what else they are passionate about. What soaps do they like, exactly? And who do they think is going to win Fame Academy this time?

Presenting Yourself

You aren’t going to get anywhere if you’re wearing clothes made of paper, or have only shaved around your face and left a little bush of hair under your nose, or something equally silly. Also if you shout a lot, or talk too quiet, you’re going to come across in a way that makes them not want to sleep with you.

Actually, scratch that last bit. Shouting will probably work, as long as you *really* shout, like you’re the best shouter in the world or something. They’d dig that kinda shit, surely?

Clothing

So you want to dress in a way that women find “fashionable”. This means going into a clothes shop and, instead of picking clothing that you think “I could wear that!” as you normally would, instead choose clothes that you personally think would make you look stupid and wouldn’t suit you. There is a 93.4% chance that these are “fashionable”.

Talking

Regarding your voice, the best way to sound attractive to a woman is to put on a British accent. If you are British anyway, and are in Britain at the time, then obviously this isn’t going to work. In this case, try putting on an accent like Dr. Bashir off Deep Space Nine instead. That’ll do the trick!

Smelling

It is a little known fact that full-on man sweat is the most attractive fragrance to women.

Some noble nerds in the fragrance industry originally invented deodorant to combat the superior man-sweat in big, burly football watching blokey blokes, to try and readdress the balance of power somewhat in the favour of the geek community.

Unfortunately, somewhere along the way this vital information was lost, and the poor geeks have started using this fantastically potent anti-sex weapon on themselves, buying into the propaganda campaign that it is going to help them in their battle to get their end away! Oh the irony!

Remember: Sweat soiled under-arms are like the fans of a peacock. Flap them about wildly, and women be yours!

Conclusion

Pulling women is easy. If you are ever in doubt, just do the exact opposite to what logic would suggest, and you are probably on the right path.

In the wise words of Dave Lister, women are not some alien species that need to be conquered with trickery, they’re just people.

And once you realise this fact, then you’ll always have the edge in convincing them they want to sleep with you, even when they actually don’t!

Happy hunting!

Popularity: 10% [?]

So, you always wanted to make games for a living, right? Well now is your chance, as Lemmy&Binky offer you a one-stop guide that will get you making games quicker than [look up speed-related pop culture reference].

So without further ado, let us take you on a journey! A mysterious journey filled with excitement and wonder. A magical ride, where the only limits are… Sorry, what we meant to say was…

So without further ado–

Financial Support

Okay, so first things first. Your IGF winning indie game is not even going to get made if you’re out on the streets dining out of rubbish bins, is it? You’re going to need to be able to financially support yourself for maybe a year (possibly even two) whilst you make your game.

This is why most indie game developers tend to sell drugs and weapons to support development of their games (Libya is a good place to start with this). Some indie developers also like to dabble in sex trafficking, though many feel it too time-consuming. We strongly recommend you buy a copy of Dave Perry’s excellent bible on the subject of funding game development, “Sex, Drugs and AK47s”, which is available on Amazon and in all good book stores.

Quest for the Indie Stone

Before you start developing your indie game, you need to be in possession of one of the ancient Indie Stones. There are only known to be 12 of these in the world, which is the main reason the indie game industry is much smaller than the commercial game industry (the commercial games industry does not require mystical stones of any kind–just the tears of a disappointed child)

Of course, to obtain one, this means you will have to take an Indie Stone from another indie game developer. This is the only situation where indie game developers are permitted to kill each other.

One of the mystical Indie Stones

Protection

Now you’re in possession of an Indie Stone, you are a bonafide indie developer! Congratulations! This does however mean that you are certain to be getting a knock at the door from a slightly threatening man called Don Marshall. He will ask you if you want “protection”. Say yes! It’s just how things work on the indie game scene, so get used to it! We all have!

Design

This is where your creativity can go wild! Just jot down details of how your game will work, perhaps on the back of a used bus ticket or something.

Things to think about: How many same colour blocks have to be adjacent to “match them”? Write it down. How many different coloured blocks ARE there? Write it down. How fast will the blocks fall? Write it down. Are there going to be special “power blocks” that destroy all connecting blocks of the same colour? Write it down.

Done? Good!

Uh-oh, now the tricky bit. You need to actually make the game! Where the hell do you start!?

Development

Remember the fabled stone that you bloodied your Indie Knife to retrieve? Yes? Well, this is where it does its magic.

Now, first off, you need a hat. A top hat is considered the industry standard, but trilbies work just as well.

Start by turning the lights off in your computer room. Then, making sure you are in a comfortable typing position with the hat rested on your lap, put the Indie Stone into the hat, along with your written design.

Now you need to put your head into the hat. The mystical light that emits from the Indie Stone will transform the written words on your design into a strange code. You need to copy this code by typing it into a Word document on your PC.

Yes, you read that last bit right… you need to do this whilst your head is in the hat.

We’re sure you’ve heard that game development is hard, and this is why! This is called “coding”.

It is crucially important that no light from your monitor gets into the hat, otherwise it could interfere with the code that the Indie Stone projects. Light getting into the Indie Hat is the main cause of bugs in indie games (other offenders being bad handwriting, or using a baseball cap instead of a proper hat)

Once you’ve written all the code into the Word document, you need to email it to Bill Gates, who will “compile” it and send you back a working executable of your game! Hurray!

Testing

Testing is not very important. After all, come on! It’s only an indie game. Chill out! Geez!

Permission Granted

Awesmoe! Your game is finished! Congratulations!

But wait! Don’t go releasing it just yet! There’s something extremely important you have to do first, and that is… Ask for permission from George Lucas.

Yes, it’s true. George Lucas owns the copyright for any indie game that has ever been, or ever will be, produced. If you release an indie game without his expressed permission, then his lawyers will come down on you like a pack of wild dogs. Whilst we’re on the subject, it’s probably a good idea to call him rather than make a house visit, otherwise he’s likely to release his pack of wild dogs on you.

Reviews

There is an age old ritual between indie developers and indie game web journalists that all successful indie developers adhere to. It is somewhat time consuming and can be expensive, but is a sure-fire way to ensure your game gets positive coverage across the internet. You must make the Indie Developer Pilgrimage.

Indie Developer Pilgrimage

The Indie Developer Pilgrimage has been made countless times by thousands of veteran indie game developers over the years, and is seen very much as a rite of passage for those who have never made the journey. The pilgrimage begins at London, England, before travelling over the Atlantic to New York, then up into Ottawa in Canada, followed by a journey back over the border and to the west coast of the US, the long trek across the Pacific to Tokyo, Japan, finally arriving back at London for a pint of Worthington’s and a game of Click the Spot. This epic journey can be seen below:

So what is the purpose of this trek? It’s not for the sightseeing, that’s for sure! Just part of the dance between the indie developer and their most venomous of foes, the know-it-all indie game web journalist.

In order to secure at the very least a 50% review score, the indie game developer must perform a series of intricate gestures in public at each city visited in the pilgrimage, hoping to attract the attention of any indie game journalists in the area. The dance must be exact, otherwise the indie game blogger will lose interest immediately, and will continue on their perpetual hunt for Jack Thompson news stories and Wii jokes.

We’ve not got the time, space nor the inclination to detail each of these moves in this guide, but the entertaining and highly informative DVD series “Bustin’ 10/10 Indie Moves”, by successful indie developer Cliff Harris, will steer you clear of all those stumbles and faux-pas gyrations that would otherwise see your indie game smashed with 6% right across the interweb.

You might also be wondering why the pilgrimage only includes England, US, Canada and Japan. This is mainly because indie game reviewers do not exist in any other country.

Negotations

So, you’ve managed to attract the attention of a mischievous internet opinion-smith? Now it’s time to negotiate your score!

First, you need to write down your ideal review score, along with the number of a nearby pay-phone, onto the inside of a Twix wrapper and drop it nonchalantly into a tramp’s cup. It is a little known fact that 93% of homeless people are in the service of indie bloggers, and will immediately take your desired score to them.

Next, you must wait by the designated phone until it rings. DO NOT ANSWER IT. You must count the number of times it rings. This is the review score the indie word-peddler is wanting to award your efforts.

Once the phone has stopped ringing, if you are not happy with the score proposed, you have the opportunity to contest that score. Stand outside the phone-box and perform the correct gesture (the blogger is sure to be watching) and within a few seconds the phone will ring again. This time you are allowed to answer it. Now you are given 10 seconds (no more) to blurt out your arguments as to why your game deserves a higher score. It is a good idea to rehearse this in advance, as you only get one shot at it.

So that’s it! You’re now an experienced indie developer making a shed load of cash! Well done!

A few final pointers to help you on your way:

• As an indie developer you will now have developed an acute allergy to wasp stings. Avoid at all costs!
• Mahjongg and tits. Don’t break with tradition.
• Giving your game a crap title will make it endearing – preferably something juvenile (like Shlongg?)
• Games with the word “Mania” after them sell approximately 43.5% more copies. This effect can be doubled by adding the word “Xtreme”.
• Screen* pScreen;

This article was part of the “So You Want To be An Indie Developer?” combine. For other “So You Want To Be An Indie Developer?” opinion and hintery, click one of these lovely links below:

Gibbage.co.uk :-
http://www.gibbage.co.uk/2006/11/so- you-want-to-be-indie-developer.html

Cliffski’s Mumblings :-
http://cliffski.blogspot.com/2006/11/so-you-want-to-be-indie-developer.html

GameProducer.net :-
http://www.gameproducer.net/2006/11/20/so-you-want-to-be-an-indie-developer/

Reality Fakers :-
http://sharpfish.realityfakers.com/?p=103

Zoombapup :-
http://www.zoombapup.com/2006/11/so-you-want-to-be-indie-developer.html

BoneBroke :-
http://www.bonebroke.com/blog/index.php/2006/11/20/so-you-want-to-be-an-indie-developer/

Introversion :-
http://www.introversion.co.uk/news/index.php

They Came from Hollywood :-
http://www.tcfh.com/news.html

Popularity: 4% [?]