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Chavs will steal your expensive new car next week! You will realise that you would not have needed to get the bus to work if you’d had the good sense to get that GPS tracking system fitted!

Your sweet old grandmother will be mugged by a hooded youth after she leaves the post-office tomorrow. You will write a letter to the Sun expressing your anger and demand more police officers on the beat in your area.

Jupiter and Saturn are in conjunction on Tuesday, and as such everyone you’ve ever met will be blown up by some evil foreigner. You will realise that giving the police additional powers to hold terror suspects indefinitely without charge might have stopped this happening.

Your house will be broken into by an Afghan taxi-driver this weekend. Maybe it is time you considered hiding in your airing cupboard until all this has blown over?

The moon is in alignment with Mars this week, suggesting that you will be arrested for a murder you didn’t commit, and will bitterly lament in your cell that there was no centralised DNA database with which you could prove your innocence.

Your identity will be stolen by a 14 year old crack-whore this weekend. After losing your house and all your belongings to the bailiffs, you realise that a small and affordable biometric identification card would have saved you a lot of bother!

Jupiter rising indicates an Iranian chip-shop proprietor will set fire to your grandparents in the coming weeks. Perhaps if there were CCTV cameras outside their flat (or preferably in their living room) such a horrible tragedy could be averted?

This week you will realise what a scary place the outside world is, and that there are thieves and murderers on every street corner. Look out the window. Can you see them? With their evil, beady little eyes! Why not watch some Big Brother to take your mind off it? Big Brother will make everything better!

Muslim extremists will blow up your face on the way to work tomorrow. Why not have a small, unobtrusive implant placed under your skin that allows your friendly government to ensure your safety in the future?

Mercury falling means you might hear rumours of “Cyborg Law Enforcement Units” patrolling the streets of London. Just ignore them–if you’re innocent, then you’ve got nothing to worry about.

Today you will realise that emotion is the primary cause of all pain and suffering in the world, and that by injecting a government-supplied emotion suppressing compound into your blood stream on a daily basis, you will be able to live a carefree and productive life in service of your great country and leaders, free of the shackles of the terrible fear that grips your daily life.

You are free. You are happy. You live a productive and carefree life. Your government will protect you. You are free. You are happy. You live a productive and carefree life. Your government will protect you. You are free. You are happy. You live a productive and carefree life. Your government will protect you.

Popularity: 16% [?]

For our second “indieview”, we’re excited to have unflappable seer of truth and justice, Jack Thompson of Thompsonsquire. In case you don’t know who he is, he’s that brilliant comedy character that has been turning up in web-comics right across the internet. Imagine our surprise when it turned out to be a real person!

We’ve been reading his stuff, and he clearly knows what he’s talking about! This is the brave warrior against all that is evil in the world (violent video games, obviously) and his never-ending quest to bring down child-corrupting evil empires like id software and Rockstar North.

We salute you, Jack Thompson! Tell us how it really is!

L&B: Hi Jack! Thank you for joining us! So, tell us how video games cause violence?

JT: Well, to determine the link between violent video games and murderous psychosis, there have been many extensive studies performed on groups of hippies. We made them play a game called Gibbage, created by some murderer-lover called Marshadillo Dondanshell. After 10 minutes of playing they began to show some homicidal tendencies, mainly pulling on each others hair. After 30 minutes of game-play the group began to eat each other’s eyes out, and torture rats with acid. After 2 hours of exposure, every single one of them had begun constructing orbital weapon platforms, with aspirations of galactic domination.

L&B: Couldn’t that just be coincidence?

JT: No! The problem is that gamers seem to blindly defend violent video games without even looking into the facts! For example, did you know that Hitler played violent video games?

L&B: Hitler? Wow! That explains a lot, huh?

JT: Yes indeed! The fact is we have strong evidence to suggest that US Marines found several copies of Doom and Super Columbine Massacre RPG in Hitler’s bunker shortly after the fall of the Third Reich. This evidence is in addition to sections of his Nuremberg address, where he can clearly be heard saying “GTA: Vice City is the shit, man!” and “I got me a score of 12 on Manhunt!”. This is stone cold FACT that anyone can find out by reading things I say in interviews.

L&B: So are you saying that Hitler wasn’t mentally unhinged in any way before playing games?

JT: Exactly! We can see from looking at official records that, before he began playing these vile “murder simulators”, he was a compassionate, well adjusted and friendly guy who regularly got invited to parties and asked to baby sit friends’ small children. He even had quite a stylish moustache that looked a little bit like a Fu Manchu!

L&B: So violent video games caused World War II, then?

JT: Of course! He was a vegetarian painter! What could possibly turn a friendly, animal loving, vegetarian painter into a genocidal maniac? Surely playing on a video game for a few hours is the only thing that could have this profound an effect on someone’s mind? The fact is this conclusively proves that every act of violence committed since the dawn of our species can be blamed on these sick video game “murder simulators”.

L&B: So what about the Mongol invasions?

JT: Errr… Counterstrike.

L&B: Ahhh. Of course… Well who can argue with that?

JT: Indeed! The fact is, an independent study conclusively proves that anybody who disagrees with me plays violent video games, and is therefore a murderer. Who can trust a murderer? No one, that’s who!

Man, I’m so obviously right about every single thing I say!

L&B: You are that, Jack my friend, you are that! So what’s next in
the exciting world of video-game fascism?

JT: Well, I’m currently working on a case to prove that Mario causes gayness.

L&B: Wow! Can we have your autograph?

JT: Racist!

Popularity: 7% [?]