In this edition of ‘one of dem blog posts by that there Lemmy&Binky’, we will take you on a terrifying journey into a dark dystopian future of horrific proportions.
Using the wondrous powers of something we like to call ‘imagination’, we will quite unliterally time travel to a future that is not unlike the present, but is quite unlike the past.Even though it’s not unlike the present, it is worse than the present is, and even more worse than the past that precedes it. That’s how bad it is.
There was a time when all old people had to complain about was the fact that they remember a time when they could leave their doors unlocked without fear of someone doing a rape on them. You may be thinking that that time is now, actually, as that’s all old people seem to go on about. But since we’ve time travelled in that last paragraph, now (back then) is actually the past, not the present. In the future (I mean the present, obviously) when we’re all old and decrepit, we’ll have something much more terrible to contend with, and will remember now (back then) with much fondness and sadness. I’m talking, of course, about the death of social gaming.
TODO: Find non-creepy social gamer photo
Before the amazingness of the Internet rolled onto the scene like a mad donkey full of porn, multiplayer gaming couldn’t help but be a social experience. “I’m going round my mates to play Spy vs. Spy, mam!” I would say, and trundle off down the road on my bike–I’ve cut the “what on God’s Green One is Spy vs. Spy?” section of the conversation out for the sake of brevity, a gesture which I’ve subsequently invalidated by mentioning the fact that I’ve cut it, and compounding matters by explaining the futility of it—and when I got there (we’re talking about going to my mates, remember) we would sit next to each other in front of the C64 and proceed to try and make each other cry with anguish by beating the other, virtually, into the ground 30 or so times in a row.
Oh yes, we were competitive to the point of barbarism. The smug fucking jeers of my mate when he beat me repeatedly (which never, ever, happened, obviously) and his sniggering mug and cocky comments would drive me close to a psycopathic paddy-fit, and it would mean when my (assured) victory eventually came to pass, I would have to make his defeat as painful as possible. “It’s alright mate, you don’t have to be good at EVERY game” I would remark with smug glee, “maybe I can show you a few tricks so you do better next time?”, “if you want I’ll let you set a handicap?” Of course, when it was his turn to win, I would get it back ten-fold, and so on.
Good times! Sure, each of us had the earnest and unspoken goal to drive the other to the depths of madness, we were both the worst losers and the worst winners. It caused many, many, many, many, many arguments, but every minute of it was pure gold.
So what of it? Where do we go from here? In 20 years time, while we’re chowing down on sustenance pills and lying low from the Cyborg Justice Squads, will I be able to push him to stand on the sofa screaming and miming planting the joypad inside my cranium when I beat him 25-7 on Halo 23? No we won’t! Why?
Because, unfortunately, we’ll be unlikely to be able to play the same game unless we happen to reside in different buildings!
Historians will no doubt mark these days as the start of the end, where insane game designers and odious suit-faces in boardrooms started fucking over the social gamer.
Of course, we all know from the chronologically spannered, yet worryingly likely 1984 that historians will likely be working on fake history, rewritten for our own safety by our glorious leaderhead in his white Perspex tower. So what games will be lauded as the groundbreaking landmarks that helped curb the dangerous trend of “being in the same room”?
These…
Civilization Seclusion
Your opponent is over there, someplace, I think.
When Civilization Revolution came out, there was much debate about the reimagined and simplified rules, reduction in complexity and more console friendly ‘dumbed down’ nature of the game. Fuck that! It’s not a replacement for Civilization 4, it’s a reimagining! The original Battlestar Galactica doesn’t cease to exist just because someone had the idea of giving Cylons cracking norks, did it?
If anything it will draw new crowds to the originals, or make them more attractive properties for TV channels to pick up! (I’m still talking Battlestar here, obviously, I doubt televised Civ games would be that attractive to any TV channel.)
That all said, it’s perhaps a bit hypocritical of me to say, since the US version of the Office gets totally up my tits, and I worry it is surplanting the original, which I love, on the internet. But still…
No, the real problem with Civ Revolution is thus…
WHERE IN GREAT FUCKERY HAS THE HOTSEAT MODE GONE?
The amount of hours I’ve spent with mates playing Civ 4, both passing a laptop back and forth, or hunched over a PC, is ridiculous. Playing on separate computers feels very insular, as it’s practically a single player game until you finally meet up with each other, and even then unless you’re warring each other there is little interaction. Okay, hotseat means you see each other’s goes, but that only goes to make their go a little more interesting to sit through… and with semi-aggressive threatening mouse clicks and a smug glance, can make the game even more fun with “don’t you dares!” and “I could take that city right now if I wanted to!”. I was almost literally eating my own ears to play Civ on the Xbox. No more hunching over a PC, we couldn’t wait!
But no. Fuck you social gamers. Move out, don’t visit, buy another Xbox and internet connection, or you can play it on your tod like the lonely geeks you should be!
Okay then, since you asked nicely! We’ll let you play against complete strangers, if you like. Who cares if you don’t know who they are, can’t see their faces drop when you roll a bunch of knights into their capital, and don’t care even if you could? Maybe Civ Rev 2 can have selectable character face expressions to convey how gutted or smug you are onto your opponents screen? That’ll do won’t it? Yeah, screw them!
It’s okay though. We’ve just got the new Tiger Woods game. That was good, remember? Surely a fucking GOLF game would have turn-based hot-seat mode down to a tee? Oh God, trust me that pun wasn’t intentional, but then I’ve not deleted it, so I guess I’m guilty as sin.
Tiger Woods Pro Loner Challenge Cup
Nope, EA, in a bold move to try and put people in dark boxes and socialise only through a plastic wire, have made steps to ensure that even the most persistent of social gamers will have trouble getting anything out of the game!
Why? Well first, you can only play against the custom golfers in the current profile, which basically means that it’s impossible to play with you, as your character, instead multiple players will need to create a new character in the profile owner’s slots in order to play against each other.
Not in my name! Please!
Secondly, a newly created custom character plays golf with all the grace of a dead giraffe. Wouldn’t it be nice if, like in every other game mode in the game, the golfers skills increased based on how you played? That way there would be a real sense of progression, and this has been done to much success on many games.
For example, in Super Smash Bros. All the game unlockables will eventually be unlocked if you play multiplayer long enough. That’s great, and really shows where the heart of the game is, as it means those people with one telly can get all the stuff they paid for without having to tie up the TV for hours and drudge through countless hours of single player on a game that’s only any bloody fun if you’re playing against someone.
Not only that, but you’d have to all individually play through the single-player, one after another, to get all the custom characters up to a more enjoyable skill level. With the added bonus that the profile owner would be getting all the achievement unlock creds.
To make matters even worse, it then becomes apparent that all cheats have been removed from the game, and fully statted up to the tits custom characters are buyable off Xbox Live Marketplace! What??
Since when have cheats been deemed purchasable content? Has the entire games industry gone mad? The answer is yes, obviously, in case you thought I had any doubt.
Come Mine With Me, Come Mine, Come Mine and Fish and Make Potions
AKA Every MMORPG on the planet. Now for the big bitch, as these bastards are completely sucking the life out of any game that doesn’t have the word ‘massively’ in the genre name.
LOL I JUST CRAVE FOR HUMAN CONTACT /cry
It’s the same with anything where execs suddenly figure out that they can charge someone monthly for something people have already bought. Suddenly, just making money the once is no longer good enough. This is where true social gaming (i.e. being in the same continent when you’re playing with someone) is really going down the pan.
If you think it’s not a problem, and, say, have access to a LAN where you enjoy frequent headshot frenzies against your co-workers or friends, then be wary. It’s not just MMORPGs that are trying to get a piece of the monthly disposable income pie. As readers of the “Chavs Stole Our Computer Games Shocker” post will be aware, I am a huge turn-based strategy fan. Particularly squad based strategy games.
Games like the first two Fallout games, X-Com 1 + 2, Laser Squad. Amazing! If a good one of those came out nowadays, I would gladly part with even £60 for a copy.
But… er…
Laser Squad Nemesis
… :’(
You what now? A subscription for a play-by-fucking-email turn based strategy game? Are you shitting me? They’re indie I guess. They need to earn a living, right? It’s not that much, really. But still, a subscription for a play-by-fucking-email turn based strategy game??I think this is just exploitative, and I LOVE turn-based strategy games. It’s exploitative because, as I only too well know, there are NO alternatives out there.
If you want this kind of game, and oh do I so want it, then this is the only one you can get. They know that, so have decided to punch all the people, who loved their old games so much, in the gut and run off with their wallets laughing and crying at the same time, presumably all the way to the bank.
I even tried to get it! Despite being rather shocked at the audacity of it, like a crack whore sucking her way to a fix, I couldn’t resist the promise of amazing turn-based squad action that I’ve done without for so many years, and so I finally, shamefully, gave in and put in my credit card details. Unfortunately (or fortunately, perhaps) my card wouldn’t work on their site, as apparently pound sterling is not something they care to deal in.
I mailed them, scratching my arms and shaking about like a smackhead, and what happened? I got no reply. Nice. So clearly top rate customer service is top of the shopping list from all those subscriptions. Twats.
Worse is that since all they have to do is sit back and rake in the subscriptions, making the odd patch or update, they’re not really going to be motivated to make another one, a better one, a more innovative one.
Instead of prompting a series of modern day turn-based squaddie games, perhaps encouraging a rebirth of the genre they created as other people try and rip them off, they set up this insular little grief bubble filled with turn-based crack-riddled community members that you can only be part of if you stump up the cash, and even then you may be denied access.
This is the way it’s going now. FPS fans beware! How long before FPS games are all persistent world battlefields, and you have to part with 20 quid a month to log on? Not long, I’ll warrant. Think that with that business plan, they’re gonna let people play offline on a LAN network and escape that tasty 20 quid hub cap for their new Porsche? Are they hell! Then even LAN gaming will start getting shat on, and the only way you’ll be able to have a lunchtime murder rampage is if all your colleagues also foot the monthly bill, which is unlikely as anyone whose tried to organize these things will know how hard it is to get people to all buy the same game, even when it’s just a one off payment!
Either that, or you log on alone, and go and kill some random anonymouses, and will never again hear the distressed yelp of that ugly coder who sits behind the partition when you ‘nade him for the fifth time in a row.
Where will it end? In 20 years time, will it even be possible to talk to someone in the same room without putting on your Virtual Conversation Helmets?
We need a revolution! This is a call to all you indies out there. Indie is the future, but don’t start being greedy and exploiting your customer-base whenever you think you can. Then you’re no better than EA with their rent-a-cheat bullshit.
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