It’s utterly official and true! Due to the ongoing WGA strike, ABC have finally got fed up and got two British scabs to come in and take over where the money grabbing Lost writing team left off!

We’ve got big shoes to fill, but think we’ve got what it takes to continue the exciting adventures of Jake and Lock on that mystical island of intrigue. Long time readers will already know of our keen writing skills, and as such will be relieved to hear the show is in good hands.

And to celebrate our new posts as head writers on Lost (it still gives us a buzz to write that!) we can treat you to an exclusive sneak peek at the script! We hope you agree we’ve really managed to find the voice of the characters, and we hope that the feel of the show will remain unchanged under our guidance.

But beware, if you’ve not seen up to the end of season 3, then extreme spoilers afoot!

EXT. ISLAND - DAY

Jake and Kate are walking along. 

                      JAKE
          Gosh, we really need to get off this
          island, cute tits.

                      KATE
          LOL you’re not wrong there Jake. This
          island is totally messed up.
          Especially that monster reckon we’ll
          see it again today?

                      JAKE
          Dunno.

EXT. ISLAND - DAY

Lock talks with Ben about something.

                      LOCK
          Damn it Ben now those other guys are
          gonna come to the island I bet this
          isn’t gonna go well.

                      BEN
          Totally. :’(

                      LOCK
          But then you shot me and that. I’m
          angry at you you’re like a baddie
          again.

                      BEN
          I was always a baddie but it’s totally
          relative and that. Like, Jake and them
          are the baddies to me! We’ll prob be
          all on the same side now these worse
          guys shown up.

                      LOCK
          Suppose.

EXT. ISLAND - DAY

Desmond talks to Claire.

                      DESMOND
          I’m totally gutted about Charlie and
          that. I thought it was like fate, but
          what if it was my fault cause I said
          to go? I dunno.

                      CLAIRE
          Aww. Don’t worry I forgive you and
          maybe you can help look after the baby
          to kind of have a resolve about it?

                      DESMOND
          Class.

EXT. ISLAND - NIGHT

Jake and Kate are still walking. 

                      JAKE
          Crumbs. It’s night. The monster will
          prob come now.

                      KATE
          That’d totally suck.

                      JAKE
          LOL yeah I know.

A huge rumble from the trees. Trees fly out the floor.

                      JAKE (CONT’D)
          Crap!

                      KATE
          I hope we find out what that thing is
          soon it’s doing my head in!

                      JAKE
          I think it’s some kind of machine it
          totally sounds that way!

                      KATE
          Yeah I know. Anyway RUN!

They start to run. Kate trips over and Jake goes back.

                      JAKE
          I’m not leaving you! I haven’t got
          chance to have the sex with you yet!

                      KATE
          Dirty! Anyway I’m probs all pregnant to
          Sawyer. We didn’t have johnnies in
          that cage.

                      JAKE
          Gutted.  

They run again.

Popularity: 33% [?]

Okay, we know that Doctor Who is about time travel and everything, but have we slipped into some kind of freakish parallel universe where Catherine Tate is actually funny and ought to be in more T.V. shows?

No, we didn’t think so because Doctor Who is clearly a television programme. Therefore were it to genuinely effect the space-time continuum, then frankly the BBC would have a lot to answer for on where on Earth they’re spending our license fees.

Although to be honest we thought some sort of written explanation (or apology) was in order when we inadvertently stumbled upon The Catherine Tate Show when it was first on. Then another explanation when the show started being described as “refreshingly original” or “hilarious new comedy” during the promos. We wrote this off at the time as some sort of act of desperation by the BBC realising that the show stank and attempting to trick idiots into watching it. Maybe it was. Maybe it worked.

But the upshot of all this is that, horror of horrors, Catherine “I’m seriously not funny” Tate has invaded prime time favourite and all round wonder-show, Doctor Who.

Catherine Tate said in the BBC News Story, “I am delighted to be ruining Doctor Who”, or something along those lines.

What to do? The best we’ve come up with so far, is to print out the following image of Freema Agyeman:

and stick it onto your T.V. during the new episodes, in the hope that it will at least partially block the Tate from view. Look what she’s done! She’s even ruined the word “Tate”. My brain used to associate that word with the Tate Modern in London - a very well respected art gallery even though the cafe’s a bit of a rip-off. But now, I hear the word “Tate” and I immediately become enraged and have to go and lie down for a bit and maybe watch a bit of The Thick Of It or Absolute Power, or any other - you know - funny comedies.

Popularity: 24% [?]

Craggy Island officials will send a letter to Steve Martin demanding an apology over the alleged American remake of Father Ted which is said to be in motion.

They will ask the man responsible for pissing on the grave of Peter Sellers to remove the script from his fat talentless sweaty palm of injustice, and to provide backing to anti American remakes of British comedy campaigns throughout the country.

Apparently, Steve Martin had such respect for Dermot Morgan that he put off the decision to accept the role until he felt that, similarly to his adaptation of the Sellers role, he had sufficiently bastardised the character into a shallow national stereotype, and had cleverly broken down the dry and witty humour into easily digestible slapstick junk.

A Craggy Island spokesman said that comittee leaders would meet on Monday to draft a letter to discuss what other action to take.

He said the letter would make four demands:

• An apology for the disrespectful and defamation of character that occured during the filming of The Pink Panther (2006)
• Withdrawal of himself from television and film because, frankly, he was never really very good in the first place, except for Dirty Rotten Scoundrels (1988)
• Steve Martin to make a substantial donation of Martin’s profits from Cheaper by the Dozen, Cheaper by the Dozen 2, and all the other shit he’s been making recently to Ireland’s T.V. comedy department to target more effectively people who are actually funny.
• Martin to support other groups in Ireland who are fighting against making a fucking sequel to The Pink Panther in 2008 for Christ’s sake.

Tony Blair said he would contact Bush on Tuesday “to shove his special relationship up his fecking arse” if such violent acts were to continue.

Popularity: 13% [?]

As you probably know from reading our blog (providing you’ve read the one blog post that references it) Lemmy&Binky are huge Lost fans. And we’re proud to reveal that we have figured out what is happening!

This post contains heavy spoilers, as our theory on what is happening in Lost HAS BEEN CONFIRMED BY THE WRITERS!

So don’t read this post if you don’t want the rest of the series of Lost spoilt for you, as this is 100% accurate.

Dan, we said stop reading! We’re serious! And we know how much you hate spoilers!

Okay, here goes:

…

…

It turns out, after all, that the island that the show takes place is not actually an island. It is actually a cosmetics lab, and the castaways are actually mice who have been brainwashed into believing they are humans.

The plane is actually several cardboard loo roll holders sellotaped together, and flown onto the “island” by hand by one of the cosmetic scientists, making “bkkksss smassshhh crasssh” noises with his mouth, as a child might, to simulate the crash.

Locke’s paralysis was cured with stem cell research and it turns out he also has a huge ear on his back, but no one can see it because they’ve all got little mouse-sized virtual reality helmets on and he’s got a padded mouse t-shirt on too.

So who are The Others? Well it’s simple. They’re time-travelling Mormons, who accidentally shrunk themselves by time travelling to the future when the sun was a black hole, and getting all compressed. This is why they are after little mouse children (like Walt… ‘Walt Disney’ big clue! Seems so obvious now, doesn’t it!) as they need the child mouse ears to power their “bigulation device” to make them normal size again.

The remains of the stone statue with the four toes is actually a He-Man action figure belonging to one of the scientists that got mauled by a dog 19 years before the events of the show take place. That dog’s memories were then implanted into one of the mice, to make him think he was a dog, and that explains Vincent.

What about one of the biggest mysteries of the show–the monster? We can exclusively reveal that the monster is actually a genetically modified squirrel. The reason it looks like black smoke is that it’s from the Marlboro testing labs next door. It’s a smoking squirrel! All makes sense now, don’t it? Oh, and the polar bears are NOT polar bears. They’re hamsters that have been painted white and injected with polar bear hormones.

So if they are all mice, what’s with all the back-stories? Simple. None of the back-stories are real, they’re spliced together episodes of Party of Five that were fed straight into their little mouse brains with wire diodes.

But then the animal testing lab was invaded by aliens! Oh noes! The aliens then took the testing lab to space, and put the scientists into the virtual reality system to say sorry to the mice in person. But the scientists were not allowed to tell them directly, and were only able to by spelling words in the stars like dot-to dot-puzzles.

And what’s the deal with the electromagnetic thing in the hatch? It’s a fridge magnet saying “I love Spain” that is glued to an alien digital wrist watch.

In the last episode, Locke manages to remember his past as a dormouse after finding the Others consignment of cheese, and becomes like Neo in the Matrix. He burns a hole in the side of the cage with laser eyes, and goes scurrying around the floor of the alien spacecraft, while the aliens lift up sofas and beds and things with a Tupperware container trying to catch him before he nibbles on any electrical wires, which he does and the spaceship crashes… on an island!

There you have it!

Watch, and you’ll see how right we were!

Popularity: 11% [?]

Well this rant’s been brewing inside me like an extremely pleasurable fart on Christmas afternoon. Only for longer. And less pleasurable. Okay, so it’s not at all like a fart - truth is, I’ve only used a simile in this opening paragraph to make myself sound clever.

The good ol’ days of advertising - nothing wrong with this advert at all!

The thing is, advertising clearly works or else companies wouldn’t spend millions of pounds on them, but how? How is it possible that an advert that claims to give your hair a healthy “looking” shine (that’s healthy looking, not actually healthy) actually succeeds in selling more of their product?

Or how about the shampoo that claims to give your hair “20% more radiance”? 20% more radiance? That’s a bit like saying “Makes your hair look 53.6 units better”. Totally outrageously and obviously unqualifyable. It can’t be proven nor disproven. And yet the product continues to sell.

And talking of shampoo, since when did shower products start containing nano-bot technology? You must have seen them - they’re the spinny gold particles that mystically attach themselves to strands of hair and mend all the jaggy broken bits, magically transforming said hair into perfect all-new super strands. It’s clever stuff!

Or my personal favourite, the air freshener that claims to destroy smelly particles. Huh? Wha? Call me daft, but what they’re basically selling us is a spray that erradicates atoms - doesn’t that sound rather dangerous? What happens if I spray it on my dog? Or does it somehow only target floating particles… like, say, the air that I need to breathe? Boy, no wonder the ozone layer has a hole in it if we’re all squirting atomic destructors into the atmosphere.

But lets not be hasty - let’s give them the benefit of the doubt - that they somehow have the technology to target only the specific particles that cause bad odour, that aren’t structural in any way or something vital to inhale. In which case, boy these air freshener research scientists are clever chaps. Shouldn’t they be working for the Government or something? They could revolutionise mining - need to drill a hole 1000ft deep? No problem - one squirt of Glade and you can atomise those pesky dirt particles and have the oil out for about £2.95.

So how can all this advertising rubbish work? Well I’ve asked myself the same question and the theory I’ve come to I call “The Catherine Tate Effect”.

The reason that crap products with rubbish adverts continue to sell is the same reason that Catherine Tate is still on TV.

Popularity: 13% [?]