Craggy Island officials will send a letter to Steve Martin demanding an apology over the alleged American remake of Father Ted which is said to be in motion.

They will ask the man responsible for pissing on the grave of Peter Sellers to remove the script from his fat talentless sweaty palm of injustice, and to provide backing to anti American remakes of British comedy campaigns throughout the country.

Apparently, Steve Martin had such respect for Dermot Morgan that he put off the decision to accept the role until he felt that, similarly to his adaptation of the Sellers role, he had sufficiently bastardised the character into a shallow national stereotype, and had cleverly broken down the dry and witty humour into easily digestible slapstick junk.

A Craggy Island spokesman said that comittee leaders would meet on Monday to draft a letter to discuss what other action to take.

He said the letter would make four demands:

• An apology for the disrespectful and defamation of character that occured during the filming of The Pink Panther (2006)
• Withdrawal of himself from television and film because, frankly, he was never really very good in the first place, except for Dirty Rotten Scoundrels (1988)
• Steve Martin to make a substantial donation of Martin’s profits from Cheaper by the Dozen, Cheaper by the Dozen 2, and all the other shit he’s been making recently to Ireland’s T.V. comedy department to target more effectively people who are actually funny.
• Martin to support other groups in Ireland who are fighting against making a fucking sequel to The Pink Panther in 2008 for Christ’s sake.

Tony Blair said he would contact Bush on Tuesday “to shove his special relationship up his fecking arse” if such violent acts were to continue.

Popularity: 12% [?]

For our second “indieview”, we’re excited to have unflappable seer of truth and justice, Jack Thompson of Thompsonsquire. In case you don’t know who he is, he’s that brilliant comedy character that has been turning up in web-comics right across the internet. Imagine our surprise when it turned out to be a real person!

We’ve been reading his stuff, and he clearly knows what he’s talking about! This is the brave warrior against all that is evil in the world (violent video games, obviously) and his never-ending quest to bring down child-corrupting evil empires like id software and Rockstar North.

We salute you, Jack Thompson! Tell us how it really is!

L&B: Hi Jack! Thank you for joining us! So, tell us how video games cause violence?

JT: Well, to determine the link between violent video games and murderous psychosis, there have been many extensive studies performed on groups of hippies. We made them play a game called Gibbage, created by some murderer-lover called Marshadillo Dondanshell. After 10 minutes of playing they began to show some homicidal tendencies, mainly pulling on each others hair. After 30 minutes of game-play the group began to eat each other’s eyes out, and torture rats with acid. After 2 hours of exposure, every single one of them had begun constructing orbital weapon platforms, with aspirations of galactic domination.

L&B: Couldn’t that just be coincidence?

JT: No! The problem is that gamers seem to blindly defend violent video games without even looking into the facts! For example, did you know that Hitler played violent video games?

L&B: Hitler? Wow! That explains a lot, huh?

JT: Yes indeed! The fact is we have strong evidence to suggest that US Marines found several copies of Doom and Super Columbine Massacre RPG in Hitler’s bunker shortly after the fall of the Third Reich. This evidence is in addition to sections of his Nuremberg address, where he can clearly be heard saying “GTA: Vice City is the shit, man!” and “I got me a score of 12 on Manhunt!”. This is stone cold FACT that anyone can find out by reading things I say in interviews.

L&B: So are you saying that Hitler wasn’t mentally unhinged in any way before playing games?

JT: Exactly! We can see from looking at official records that, before he began playing these vile “murder simulators”, he was a compassionate, well adjusted and friendly guy who regularly got invited to parties and asked to baby sit friends’ small children. He even had quite a stylish moustache that looked a little bit like a Fu Manchu!

L&B: So violent video games caused World War II, then?

JT: Of course! He was a vegetarian painter! What could possibly turn a friendly, animal loving, vegetarian painter into a genocidal maniac? Surely playing on a video game for a few hours is the only thing that could have this profound an effect on someone’s mind? The fact is this conclusively proves that every act of violence committed since the dawn of our species can be blamed on these sick video game “murder simulators”.

L&B: So what about the Mongol invasions?

JT: Errr… Counterstrike.

L&B: Ahhh. Of course… Well who can argue with that?

JT: Indeed! The fact is, an independent study conclusively proves that anybody who disagrees with me plays violent video games, and is therefore a murderer. Who can trust a murderer? No one, that’s who!

Man, I’m so obviously right about every single thing I say!

L&B: You are that, Jack my friend, you are that! So what’s next in
the exciting world of video-game fascism?

JT: Well, I’m currently working on a case to prove that Mario causes gayness.

L&B: Wow! Can we have your autograph?

JT: Racist!

Popularity: 7% [?]